Anxiety, Pain, and Pride

When I started this blog, I told y'all I was going to take you along for the ride as I go through the transition from Hunter Princess to full out Dressage Queen.  Well, strap in, this installment was a bit of a bumpy ride.

I had the incredible opportunity to participate in a 2 day clinic with Janet Foy.  She is one of 5 judges in the US that has been awarded the 5* rating.  She also has a reputation for being tough.  I am still pretty new to this side of the sport and so there was a fair amount of anxiety that I was dealing with leading up to the clinic.  I kept reminding myself that I had survived and thoroughly enjoyed a clinic with Lendon Grey when I was in college, she had made other girls cry.  I could totally handle this.

The clinic was being hosted at our barn which made this ideal.  My horse had a normal daily schedule aside from different ride times.  Riders had submitted bios of who we were and what level we were as well as basic info on our horses before.  I was the least experienced rider for both days.  The majority of the other riders were riding at much higher levels and have obviously been doing this for much longer.  *GULP*  My goal became to get as much out of the experience as I could, riding and watching and listening, and to make myself, and my trainer proud.  Seems reasonable.

Then the unfortunate occurred.  My low back went out.  No specific reason except that I have been dealing with back/neck issues my whole life.  My PT is a god-send, without whom I would be a complete invalid cripple.  However, she does not work Friday evenings or on the weekends.  Uh-oh.

Watching Saturday morning, I was uncomfortable. When I rode, most of my ride was me trying to control myself so that I wasn't in intense pain.  I was still able to get a lot out of the lesson, but not as much as I could have had I been fully functional. Janet was incredible.  She was able to teach to each level that walked in to work with her.  She was very helpful to me and quite complementary of my riding as well as my horse.  She told us that we had a lot of potential for moving up.  I would have been on cloud 9 had I not hurt.  I watched the rest of Saturday and tried to learn something from watching each rider.  Some were at very high levels and dealing with very subtle changes.  I was proud to be in such good company and know that I did a decent job.  Day one goal accomplished!

Saturdays shock factor was that my Dad came to the barn to watch me.  This is a big deal.  I have only ever gotten Dad to come to a show like once a year when I was a kid.  I had to threaten him (lovingly) to show up to support Mom when she was showing.  Then I turn around and he is standing in the aisle behind me!  I was in such shock that I asked him if he was real!!  Well, he was real, and even better, he videoed my whole lesson for me!  I still have to review it all but I am so very grateful to him for showing up and being cold while taping everything so I can remember what I was being told.  My retention of that info was lessened because of the pain I was dealing with.  Dad to the rescue!!

Taking a moment to talk to Janet

Sunday was a bit of a different story.  Things had gone from uncomfortable to downright painful Saturday night thanks to my out of whack back.  Think: I woke up several times overnight and was unsure if I was going to be able to ride at all, let alone well.  When I finally woke up for real I was able to stand and walk which was an improvement from when I went to bed so I decided to suck it up, get dressed, and go watch and ride.  I was a bit overly ambitious but I also wasn't going to waste my opportunity.  I was able to get us pulled together and into the ring with Janet for our 8:30 ride time.  The beginning was bearable but I was unsure if I was going to make it through the whole thing.  I took walk breaks whenever I could.  The last thing that we were working on was our collection at the canter.  Y'all, my horse is a SAINT. 

By that point in the lesson I was 100% useless as a rider.  I was still on my horse but my hands had dropped down to try to help support my broken body by bracing on his withers.  Tosh stepped up to the plate for me and carried my crippled butt around and was trying to do what Janet was asking.  (I am convinced that horse understands English, probably German and Spanish too.)  The lesson finally ended.  I thanked Janet, got off my horse without falling to the ground and made it out of the ring and into the grooming stall before I really fell apart.  Tosh waited patiently for me to get him taken care of, all the while I am thanking him profusely and realizing what pride I had for him and how he had really stepped up to the plate to help and protect me.  That pride got me through putting him away, with lots of cookies, watching more, lunch, watching the rest of the riders and then wrapping things up.

I got home and was so exhausted from the pain I passed out almost instantly on the couch for 2 solid hours.


I spoke with my trainer about the clinic and what we had learned later.  I told her how upset I was that I was crippled and wasn't able to get as much out of it because of my body.  She had no idea from watching me that anything had been wrong.  I was proud of the fact that she had no idea.  I was able to hide the pain, ride through it, and look pretty acceptable.  This is either a great compliment to my abilities or one of the dumber things I have done.  Jury is still out on which...








PS.  Don't worry, I got in to see my PT Monday afternoon and have been back to make sure that everything stays put for the time being.  I am back to whole and moving on!  Next clinic is this coming weekend, with my trainers trainer!!